Stay at home dads?

It's been a bear trying to find a replacement job for the one that has me grinding my teeth every night (people-related). The other day my wife (a counselor) mentioned that she makes about 3x more than me in an hour and why doesn't she just take on like 15 hours a week to maintain status quo and I quit my job?

This is very odd to me. I am an American and my first thought is "we need to be constantly moving forward, making more". But our #1 priority is family. It's why we live where we hate living, it's why we're not making 4x my salary, so I can see it making sense according to our family desires. 15 hours accounts for insurance, retirement, mortgage -- basically everything my 45-50 a week accounts for.

I've run it by some friends, and one guy pointed out that a lot of dudes find shame in not working. Are any of you in that boat and what do you do with it?

Paging Seth to the courtesy phone.   I've wanted to do it for years but never got the nerve to pull the ripcord.  If it makes sense for you and you don't like your job give it a try. What's the worst that can happen?  You go back to work in 6 months or a Year?

I think you can run the household and put a side gig together.  What can you do at home to get that little bit extra while raising kids and not forsaking getting your chores done?

I'd give it a try. 

I have a couple friends who have done it. They seem ridiculously happy. Even more so after the kids are in school. 

The trade off there is compelling. A spouse who is willing and makes 3x? 
 

It's worth a shot while you look for something better at least right?

My wife and I would each love to be stay at home parents, but we are equal earners so it's not an easy case to make. If we could do it with a little more work from one of us we certainly would. Husband or wife, maintaining a household is no joke and I think it would make things easier on the working spouse to have the home taken care of. 

I've been doing it the whole time my kid has been alive. It's an adventure for sure. I really really have come to appreciate the hours during the school week when I have the house to myself. 

Before October of last year, her work "schedule" would have required a babysitter who costs more per hour than either of us make or live in nanny for me to be able to work any sort of a job. Now, she works second shift at a company that actually knows how to run properly, so she gets the kids on the bus in the morning then we're able to take care of our things before she goes in, which is nice. She's moving to daylight soon to get more time with the kids. That's going to change the dynamic a bit, and it will be interesting to see how it plays out.

All that said, on top of house chores and maintenance activities, I try to have some sort of gig going on to have something to focus on that isn't the house and family. Not always successful or time capable, but it helps when it plays out. 

I'm sort of a part time stay at home dad if that makes sense. I work 3 days a week and my wife works 3 days a week. My wife's salary is higher than mine but my benefits are better, kind of, and schedule is much more flexible, being self employed. It's no joke to deal with kids and house for hours and hours at a time. But it's also really great. We decided on this schedule when we had our first kid and didn't want to just foist her off on daycare. We planned to do it for a year then do the traditional daycare thing. Well, a year came and went and there was no way we were sending our little one to daycare. Then #2 came and again - no way. Fortunately my business partners were understanding, and my wife's career (psychologist) means if you're licensed and not sleeping with your patients, they'll put up with anything, schedule-wise, since every psych in the state has a waiting list.

I know I'm not a full time stay at home dad, but I feel no shame about what I do, and wouldn't even if it was full time. I am a grown up and get to decide what that means. If I wasn't needed at work I would have no qualms about not going at all. Are the kids in school yet? If not, you can make yourself pretty crazy with zero down time from kids. Play dates with other parents around are a big win, in that case. Trips to the zoo keep you from crawling the walls too much. You do need to take full advantage of naps to keep the house put together. It's hard to keep a house clean with kids around.

If the money works and it's compatible with your personality, don't fear it at all.

Can you cook?  How do you look in a skimpy apron? 

Seriously... why not?  Your kids will have no memory whatsoever of a single hour of overtime you ever worked. 
 

...but the cooking wasn't a complete joke. If your wife is gonna work 55 hours, you will need to take on things that add value to her and relieve her stress. Not just playing with the kids and taking on a few hobbies. 

I've been doing it since Randy tried to fight me almost 2 years ago. Occasional odd jobs for extra money/bills but yeah, Mr. Mom. You'll figure it out. The worst is the stigma.

Full time Mom: omg, we love you! Its the hardest job in the world .

Stay at home dad: ungh, why don't you get a job, you berkeleying bum.

I tried to get my wife to swap with me 20 years ago. She wasn't interested. 

My wife's job doesn't pay enough for it to be an option. She's starting her own business though, so check back in a year and we will see if it is possible. I would love it. 

Toyman! said:

I tried to get my wife to swap with me 20 years ago. She wasn't interested. 

 

Umm....

Appleseed said:

I've been doing it since Randy tried to fight me almost 2 years ago. Occasional odd jobs for extra money/bills but yeah, Mr. Mom. You'll figure it out. The worst is the stigma.

Full time Mom: omg, we love you! Its the hardest job in the world .

Stay at home dad: ungh, why don't you get a job, you berkeleying bum.

Yeah that's the stigma I'm talking about -- how are you dealing with that?

More details: we're homeschooling, and for clarification:she will be working potentially 15-17 hours a week then the rest of the time it's all of us

Im kinda doing it. My wife made about twice my pay and after 14 years at a formerly small company turned into a hyper corporate nightmare factory. I complained to higher up HR about the blatant abuse, some mental midgets got a talking too, then those mentalists got the opportunity to get me back and of course i was let go for "performance" with no measurables.. 

So after some cool off time to de-stress and get the nightmare factory of my back, i found myself with a HUGE list of stuff that needed done around the house, stuff we were going to pay someone to do, so ive been doing that stuff as well as just maintaining the house, cleaning, oddjobs, whatever.  Luckily i have no bills really outside of the mortgage, car insurance and cel phone, i make some $ here and there and its worked out well. Ive been able to spend way more time with my Wife(who works from home) and our Son. 
 

it hard to get it out of your head that you must work constantly and struggle for time, etc. we live cheap. And yeah people will look at you crazy.  If there is enough money to make it work out then DO IT! Also worth noting, the pets love it too having someone around all the time.  Ive got at least another years worth of projects lined up. Remodeling the house and a ton of automotive catching up. Its pretty great. 
 

the "american dream" isnt working until your old and tired and cant enjoy life. Simplify your life, make enough money to live and then, GO LIVE! 
 

I'd totally do it if it weren't for the fact that I make 3-4 times what my wife does.

The external stigma (friends/strangers) is one thing.

There is a psychological issue for some spouses that can be a problem too.  Intersexual dynamics is a hobby of mine. The biological programming of men vs women can cause many females to view a SAH dad with derision, even though they may have come up with the idea. Men are providers while women are nurturers. That's biology, not society. The programming can be so hard wired and runs beneath the surface women may lose respect for their mate and not have any idea why they feel that way.

Not a reason not to do it, but something a guy should be aware of. 

Mrs VCH is a stay at home mom, but she does have an Etsy business she runs. I feel that if you have that personality that can't be fully defined by your being a parent, having some side business helps fill that need. So that's an option you may want to look at. 

She also handles the vast majority of the homeschooling of our 2 kids (5 and 7). 

Every guy I've ever talked to that's done the stay at home dad thing has loved it. And on the occasional day that I've had to step in for her, and done the cooking/cleaning/kid tending, I've enjoyed it, too. I think couples that can swing each person working 3-4 days and alternating mom/dad duties probably have the sweetest arrangement, though most employers don't seem to be hip to that arrangement right now. 

I did it about a decade ago, worked every other weekday and looked after my son and our friend's son,  our friend watched our son some days and my wife watched both of them on a single weekday. (So, not a full time stay at home dad, but multiple weekdays with two kids.) It was a good experience for me, I had a lot of fun with my kid and got more quality time in than I would have otherwise. People were generally welcoming (it is important to keep up on your grooming though- with a fresh shave I was "involved, caring Dad" and with a day or two's stubble, I felt like I was getting a bit of "unemployed Dad side-eye." This could have been my imagination. Also, I live in a progressive area where people aren't going to be hung up about traditional families/gender roles, YMMV if you're in the Bible Belt or something.)  My wife was a little resentful that I was able to spend more daytime hours with our son than she was, but I had more scheduling flexibility and she earned more so it just made sense. I'd do it all over again the same way all day long. 

P3PPY said:

Appleseed said:

I've been doing it since Randy tried to fight me almost 2 years ago. Occasional odd jobs for extra money/bills but yeah, Mr. Mom. You'll figure it out. The worst is the stigma.

Full time Mom: omg, we love you! Its the hardest job in the world .

Stay at home dad: ungh, why don't you get a job, you berkeleying bum.

Yeah that's the stigma I'm talking about -- how are you dealing with that?

Don't give a E36 M3 what people outside the house think, and the stigma goes away. They're not paying your bills or looking after your kids, so their opinion doesn't mean a damn thing. 

I tell people I'm a house wife when they ask what I do. Most of the guys are jealous at first, then they realize being pretty much home bound and never really having any free or spare time, or time around other adults that aren't (as) sticky, smelly, loud, or annoying would get old pretty quick.

Single income household, at least in our case, means having time to do all the maintenance and chores, but not the funds, and that's honestly the biggest downside for us. 

I am a stay at home dad and I am pretty much good with it overall. Every situation is unique but the one thing we have firmly in common is that family is priority #1 and I strongly advise that you allow that to guide your thought process.

Through my prior investing and my wife's high powered career we are those evil 1% types, but we live so far below our means that money is truly never an issue for us at all in almost any decision. Well spent time and quality experiences are also metrics that you can use to measure progress in life beyond numbers on a balance sheet.

There will be moments of both private and public shame, it does happen. The fact that I am raising an amazing little person makes other people's opinions of me seem rather trivial. The word I use with myself is "contribute" instead of "work". I do that to the best of my ability as part of the team and I am certain of results and progress. Being a good dad requires virtues like patience, commitment, endurance, etc.; these are not things to be ashamed of!

Also, keep a hobby for yourself. Time spent tinkering on cars or something... it is often thankless, repetitive and dirty work that can wear you down. And if you cannot, definitely learn to cook a few things.

Bluej is a former professional-turned-SAH parent, and being a close friend, have a little insight on it.  From what I've noticed, it is certainly enriching and valuable, but the transition from full-time 'work' to 'dedicating all of one's time to raising a child/children' is not without emotional hiccups or growth pains.  Lots of people have issues letting go of a part of their lives that they've invested so much time in prior, that there's definitely a need to re-train one's brain, in that sense. 

I'll also say- it's the hardest job in the world and all of my respect goes to the stay-at-home parents...  I wish there wasn't such a stigma around it. 

I could type a ton about this, and I will, but I'm at Hallet on OLOA and sort of busy. 

The big question, other that money which is just a spreadsheet from seeing if it works, is whether you can value yourself in that position. I do 25ish hours of "work" a week between running kids, shopping, cooking, cleaning, maintaining cars, mowingz all of the stuff that needs to get done. My wife finds more value in me doing that for the family than me going back to work for about 1/6 what she makes. She doesn't have to worry about the kids, dropping off, picking up, who has after school stuff, any of that. She goes to work and comes home. When she's home she doesn't have to grocery shop, clean the bathroom, do laundry, or get dinner ready (aside from the weekends which she enjoys). When she's off work, she can hang with the kids or me or unwind. 

She finds value in all of that and that helps me find value in it. I've learned that's what matters and I don't need to justify anything else to anyone. Having said that, learning to find peace in that was a process. It was hard. It took more than a few years with the kids and my wife was patient with me during the process. You need to go through your own process and nobody can gaurantee the outcome of it. 

Stigma is what you make it, internally or externally.  I don't give a damn about any "hardwired" bullE36 M3.  And why would one person feel threatened by their partner making more than they do, but would expect their partner not to feel threatened if the situation is reversed?  Any two partners are never going to have identical salaries.  More money coming into the household is more money, no matter who is making it.  Why would a woman lose respect for a man that makes less than she does - would she lose respect for herself for making less than he does?  That makes no sense.

When our kids were young, DW and I discussed it (having either one of us be stay-at-home) and for us it didn't make sense economically.  We both had jobs that paid well enough to much more than cover daycare for 2 kids, but not well enough that one of us didn't have to work.

But if circumstances dictated that one of us had to stay home with the kids, it would have been me.  Most of my jobs have not offered health insurance, while hers has always had solid benefits.  So even though we've always made approximately the same amount of money, hers is the more valuable job, and always has been.

I don't have a problem with knowing that, and I didn't then.